wish

Sometimes I wish there was someone who I could call.


I learned that my brother threatened suicide three weekends ago and was promptly committed for 5 days. He admitted that the threat was an attempt to woo a lady friend, and not a legitimate attempt. (Snarky side note: is a suicide threat attractive to women? Whew, I'm a terrible person. Moving on.) Most people, upon finding that one's brother is locked away in a psychiatric ward, would not breathe a huge sigh of relief and drop to one's knees in thanks. I did. Not the dropping, as I was behind the wheel, but plenty of thanks. I have been enouraging my parents to force him into treatment for years. Unfortunately, the law says that involuntary commitment is warranted only for immediate threats of harm to self or others.



Basically, he wasn't killing himself fast enough for the law.

He has been sleeping all day, every day, for nearly 5 years. Refuses to get a job, refuses to move out of my parent's house, refuses to do anything but be extremely unpleasant for the few hours he is awake. Me? I did an armchair diagnosis of anxiety plus depression with psychotic features.


The problem is, I think, that the people around him on a regular basis - my parents and sister - are so used to his behavior that they didn't realize how abnormal it is. Totally in vain in December, I suggested to my mother that when one responds to a sister he hasn't seen for nearly a year with a "fuck you" upon being greeted, wished a Merry Christmas, and offered breakfast, well...something ain't right. In fact, something is very, very wrong. And there are professionals and medications out there that will help.

So he did his 5 days and was released on a Friday. My mother told me that he admitted that the threat was not real...but that he didn't feel safe alone. For someone who - literally - responds to "good morning" with "fuck you," this was especially alarming to me. The fact that he is forced to take an anti-depressant - which can prompt suicidal behaviors in the early dosage period - compounded my alarm.

So my parents did the rational, reasonable thing. They left him alone while they went to their weekend house.

I phoned my mother daily to check in. Tonight my father told me that he is not doing well. Whatever that means. My family isn't exactly into disclosure.

So...my wish is for someone to whom I could vent all the details of this ridiculousness without anyone (1) blaming my parents (only I can do that) or (2) privately wondering if mental illness runs in the family.

I have no clue what will become of my brother. None. Really, none. All I know is that I am the only one who appears to be taking my brother's health seriously, and yet I am the one who he is least likely to listen to and least likely to make any kind of an impact. Briefly, my brother has long concentrated all his anger against The World in me. Convenient, as I lived 350 miles away for 10 years. But inconvenient, too, as I appear to be the only one who thinks that sleeping 20 hrs/day and anger that is, frankly, frightening, are not normal.

Lord, help him.