I hosted yet another baby shower on Saturday. When I was finally able to leave, I pulled out of mom-to-be's cute suburban development and merged on to the main road. Swerved to avoid hitting a baby squirrel in the road. Got pulled over."You just swerved. Have you been drinking this afternoon?"
[Holds up bottle of water.] "Sir, I wish I could say I've been drinking. I just spent five hours at a baby shower. All my friends are 30 and pregnant. I have no more friends." [Pause.] "I could really go for a drink now, actually."
[Laughs.] "Get outta here."
In my experience, once you get knocked up you can no longer associate with non-parents. That's a rule. And it is a really, really bad rule.
I understand that new parents have massive time obligations. I do. But, in my experience, there seems to be something that happens in new parents wherein, while they are out buying crib bumpers and onesies, they also buy new friends.
And that stinks.
I hosted the shower for Friend. We have a standing puppy playdate every weekend, and sometimes get together during the week as well. Friend and her husband and a few friends and I had been planning a group trip to Costa Rica in June 2010. Collectively, we've been planning this trip for almost a year. So it was a hurtful surprise to learn that Friend and husband plan to ditch us and go to Disney World (gag*) with other new parents. New parents who she couldn't stand, by the way, until she learned she is slated to be one in two months.
Ok. I can handle that. I understand that the rainforest isn't the best place for an infant.
And then Friend's husband starting talking about how "we need to make new friends. You know, new friends who have kids."
I'm not against new friends. Everyone likes friends. But I know how this will go down, because it has happened a dozen times before. Kid arrives. Non-parents are slowly phased out of the social circle. Because, goodness, non-parents have absolutely nothing to contribute to anyone. We're just a sad sorry buncha losers. And this particular friend? Yeah, I drive her to all her check-ups. When her husband refused to go, I went with her to all her birthing classes. And I will very likely be the one to drive her to the hospital. And I'm already being edged out.
And that is just sad.
I use to have tons of friends. Then they got pregnant and, whoops, 9 months later I'm relegated the the b-list.
I'm hardly anti-child. I do roll my eyes when Susie has absolutely nothing to contribute to the conversation save for the latest installation of how Her Son Is The Most Amazing Person Ever And I Do Mean Ever. But I also do my fair share of fawning over the latest photo and contributing to discussions regarding the latest health threat du jour and, yes, baby-sitting. For friends who turn and unabashedly ditch me in favor of Newer Cooler More Pregnant friends.
Sigh.
* Sorry. I'm anti-Disney. I just don't see the appeal. I'll blame this one on my parents, who were adamant that Disney Must Die. When everyone else went to Disney World, we went to Dutch Wonderland (back when it really was an Amish amusement park and no, "Amish amusement park" is not an oxymoron) and Water Country.
***
Usefulness of the day: if you get bleach on your hands, rinse with lemon juice to remove the smell and slimy feel.
9 comments:
Hi Allison...
You are welcome at my house...I am out of *pregnancy* mode (unless you are talking about adoption pregnancy, I may never get over this type of pregnancy ;-)
Sorry, you are struggling with friendships because of this.
Sending a hug and praying God blesses you in tangible ways.
I had a funny vision of you, as I read, shopping in a store for a *tie on belly*...then walking out of the store very pregnant. ;-) All for the sake of friendship.
Glad you didn't get a ticket, bless you for being a blessing to others. I'd keep in that mode, as hard as it may seem at moments, it still is best to be a giver.
x0x0x
Kimmie
mama to 7
one homemade and 6 adopted
I get your post in some ways. Even before I got pregnant, all my friends were mommies. We just didn't have any other local friends. They never made us feel out of the loop for our non-child status. And I still have single friends, married no-kids friends etc. Honestly, I have never tried to categorize friends based on life situation. When someone has a newborn or going through pregnancy (or any major thing for that matter), there is a tendency to just focus on what is happening in their life to the utter exclusion of the listeners. I am not saying it is ideal, but it happens. When I was doing my thesis, that was what was on my mind the entire time. It always spilled into conversations and I had to make sure I didn't monopolize the conversation with that. I mean how many people have more than a passing interest in an Engineering Masters thesis?
I think it is nice to have some friends going through the same thing as you are, but it really sucks that your friend wants NEW friends by getting rid of old ones.
PS: Oh, and I hate Disney too.
Well,I am on the other side of this. I am a single mother having trouble with the fact all her friends are not parents. So while they fase me out because in order to hang out with them (at the last minute plan no less) I can't go because I need a sitter. I can't do the last minute call unless it is kid friendly.
I understand. I really understand. I can remember being at a women's tea at church years ago, and everyone except me was either pregnant or had young kids. The entire conversation at my table that afternoon was babies and pregnancy. I'm not exaggerating. I sat there for 2 hours not saying a word and wishing I was at home reading a good book.
It worked out that we moved from that particular city and really needed to find a new, closer church. It had gotten to where I really didn't have any friends because the mommies only associated with the other mommies. I don't think moms mean to do that, but they often do.
The most hurtful was when I learned last minute that several of my sorority sisters who live in the Dallas area were getting together at the playground at the mall. Only one even bothered to contact me about it, and that was 2 days before it occurred. They'd been planning it for weeks. Why wasn't I originally included? Because I don't have kids. That one hurt the worst.
Kimmie - Thanks! and lol. I really like hearing about other people's kids! Just maybe not the entire conversation.
Anne - I do like knowing about what is going on in friends' lives - whatever it is - just not to the "utter exclusion" point :)
Dragon - I can see that happening, too. Thanks for visiting :)
Anne Marie - I try to contribute as much as I can to the babies & pregnancy conversation, but at some point I realize that no one cares since I can't exactly speak about contractions from a personal experience. I kinda feel like new moms consider mom friends the most valuable, which does make sense in some ways. I just wish that non-parent friends were not viewed as totally worthless. I'm happy to hang around with kids - and I suspect you would have been happy hanging out at a playground.
It has gotten to the point where I actually joined a social group specifically for non-parents. Not because I hate kids or parents, but because I've learned that parents don't see the point of having non-parent friends. And that is crazy. And hurtful. I was the shoulder to cry on when friends had fertility issues or miscarriages, but when the baby finally arrives, I'm pushed aside in favor of moms.
My door is open. I kept my non~child friend who is also partnerless [though definitely cat friendly]. I like a box of chocolates when it comes to friends & for the record ~ I abhor Disney! Now can we be friends ~& though I do have 5 kids there is no chance you will need to throw a baby shower for me.
Allison, I just hear your heart and don't know what to say. I guess having been overboard with the kid thing for a while it's hard to identify with someone who has "only" two children, let alone none. What to talk about? I mean, for me, the things I think about and do and see almost all revolve around the children. Further than that, I'm distanced from people who do not have autistic children b/c they usually just don't get it. It's not their fault.
But wow, I can't imagine purposefully distancing myself from a dear friend.
If anything, I'd be the lady you don't want to visit because a certain seven-year-old will greet you at the door with a monologue about his entire life. I'll be able to shoo him away after a while, but he always manages to steal all my attention and you won't remember anything about me.
People either LOVE him (!!!) or HATE him. Very few people are just ok with him.
Yeah, I hear you. Most of the current friends either have no kids or kids that are grown. I'm certainly not anti-kid either but I don't really hang with anyone that has little ones.
Can I just say....WORD. As a Childfree by Choicer, I've been edged out - but more often, I've edged. Why? I just can't take too many conversations about How Amazing My Kid Is Today. I have friends that write poetry to their children. Nightly.
I like their kids, but I can't get into that element.
So, yeah. No.
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