Homemade bagels and cream cheese

I had a hankerin' to make bagels the other day. I briefly looked at a few recipes to get the general idea, then plunged in. That's kinda what I do: more plunging, less reading-of-directions.

Dissolve 2.5 teaspoons of dry active yeast in 1.5 cups of warm water. Set aside. In another bowl, mix together 4+ cups of flour, 2 tablespoons of malt syrup, 1-2 tablespoons of salt, 1 tablespoon brown sugar, and a teeny bit of black pepper.

Now, the recipe called for 2 tablespoons of malt syrup. Some people have a well-stocked pantry. I do not. It is rare that I even have a spare can of broth, let alone something as obscure as malt syrup. My pantry? It is what most people would call a spice cabinet, plus a few bags of dried beans. So, no, I did not have malt syrup.

But you know what?

I did have two things. Maple syrup, 1 tablespoon. And 2 tablespoons of beer. I have absolutely no clue whether maple syrup and Sam Adams Summer Ale is a reasonable substitute for malt syrup, but it worked.

Moving on. Pour in the yeast and water and mix for 8-10 minutes. It should be a very stiff dough - not sticky. You will probably have to add in more flour to get that stiff consistency. Take your dough-ball, find a big bowl, oil it, roll the dough in olive oil, cover with a damp warm cloth (a wrung-out t-shirt is fine), and let rise for 20 minutes.

***At this point I am just going to apologize for the picture quality. My kitchen - at night, no less - is not an ideal studio. The buttermilk-yellow walls, the orange pendant lighting...it's a bit much. Thank you.***

Take a handful of dough, roll out, and gently press into a ring shape. I'm making smaller, Lenders-size bagels, not those 6-servings-o'-carbs bagels. Set aside and let rise for 10-15 minutes.

Hello, my lovelies. You are totally devoid of any nutritional value.

While they are rising, go ahead and pull out a big pot. Dump in a few tablespoons of brown sugar. Now, a little bit of Googling revealed that what, if anything, to add to the water, is hotly debated. Baking soda? Salt? White sugar? Brown sugar? I went with brown sugar as it is rumored to give the bagel a nice crispy crusty top. When the water is at a full boil, plop a few bagels in the pot. Let them boil for a minute or two, fish out with a slotted spoon, and place on a greased baking sheet.

Pre-heat the oven to 425. If you want to add any toppings to your bagels, now is the time to do so. Brush with egg whites, then sprinkle with poppy seeds, sesame seeds, etc. If you want salt bagels, prepare to eat the whole batch right away. Salt bagels do not last more than a few hours; the salt leaches out the bagel's moisture and makes it stale. "Hockey pucks," as my mother says. (Fun fact: my mother briefly joined a hockey team comprised of hockey moms. They were called the Mother Puckers).

Pull out a second baking sheet and rack. There will be two baking sheets in the oven: one for the bagels, and one to heat the rack. Bake at 425 for 25-30 minutes. Pull out both sheets. Carefully transfer each bagel to the hot rack, return to the oven, and let them bake there for about 10 minutes. The picture below? I failed to read/misread the instructions and flipped the bagels on the rack. Don't do that. I'm just showing you my nice brown bagel bottoms.

You're welcome.

While the bagels continue baking, pull out two bunches of chives and a container of whipped cream cheese. Loosely chop the chives and dump the chives and cream cheese in a food processor. (If you don't have a food processor, finely chop the chives and mix them in by hand).

Mmm. I'm still doing the gluten-free foolishness, but these (1) look yuumy, (2) smell yummy, and (3) got gobbled up in about 2 minutes.

Bagel recipe:
1.5 cups warm water
1 packet yeast or equivalent
4+ cups of flour (I used all-purpose, but I hear bread flour is best).
1-2 tablespoons of salt
1 tablespoon sugar (I used brown - you must use real sugar for the yeast) plus 3-4 tablespoons brown sugar for the boiling water.
2 tablespoons malt syrup
1 teaspoon black pepper, optional
Optional topping: egg white plus sesame seeds, poppy seeds, kosher salt, etc.
Equipment: 2 baking sheets, 1 rack, 1 big pot, 1 bowl for mixing, 1 bowl for rising, t-shirt/cloth, slotted spoon/spatula, will power.

Cream cheese recipe:
Chop your favorite herb(s)/veggies and blend with a plain cream cheese. Do this by hand or with a food processor - a blender/Magic Bullet won't work here.

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Usefulness of the day: Pickle and salsa jars can be re-purposed as casual drinking glasses. Especially you or someone you live with can't go 2 days without breaking a glass, but you're a Mature Adult and don't want to resort to plastic. To remove the label, fill with hot water; within a few minutes, the heat will melt the glue and the label should peel right off.