snow and venereal disease

***

I've finally turned my mother onto text messaging in the hopes that she would learn that a few lines of text is - for some matters - better than leaving her daughter a rambling, stream-of-consciousness voicemail. She is getting the hang of it...kinda.

Mom: so do u hve a hot date or VD???

Me: I get my lab results on Wednesday.

Mom: wht??? r u sick???

***

Usefulness of the day: Soak wilted greens in a bowl of cold water and set in the fridge for at least 30 minutes for them to perk up. This works especially well for stalk-y types like celery and bok choy. Why? Turgor.

karma

I rent out several garages. Two of the tenants owe 5 months' rent, and I wrote each an as-kind-as-possible letter informing each that I padlocked their units and will remove the locks when they pay the balance. Never one to get all snippy and lawerly, I noted that I understand that the economy has hit most of us hard, that I myself have been unemployed for nearly a month, and that I am happy to work out a fair payment plan if a single lump payment would be a hardship given the upcoming holidays. I certainly don't want anyone to go without a turkey or heat or Christmahanukwanza, but those garages pay a decent chunk of this property's mortgage, and my savings are not unlimited.


I'm a super-nice landlord. I never charge a late fee. I return all phone calls promptly. Heck, I give every single tenant a Christmas gift because, I reason, a $15 gift card will keep most tenants happy and happy tenants tend to not jack up your property. That's ROI for ya. (The furry tenants, of course, get some homemade treats...and the furparents have always, without fail, vacated without so much as a single stray dog hair on the floor.)


The first guy was extremely apologetic and beyond embarrassed...he thought his son had been paying all along. I know that he received the letter at 10:36am on Wednesday and, around noon the same day, he dropped off a certified check at my mailbox. With a sizeable Starbucks gift card.


The second guy...


He signed for the letter at 4:31pm on Wednesday. Early Thursday morning, I went to the garages to remove the lock I put on the first guy's unit. I noticed that the lock on the second garage had been CUT and replaced with a NEW lock at some point on Wednesday.


Now, these garages are right behind the house I'm living in. I was home ALL day Wednesday. Jack ate a 24oz bottle of bubble bath Tuesday afternoon and spent all Tuesday night un-eating lavender-scented bubbles on my living room floor. Which was considerate of him. Anyway, I did not leave the house for even a moment on Wednesday because I wanted to keep an eye on his fluid levels. (My floors are fine. Jack is, too.)


There are two driveways on my property. The main one was blocked by my car. The rear driveway was also blocked ALL week - I let my neighbor's son park his car there as he was on vacation all week and didn't want to leave it on city streets for so long. Which means that this guy jumped my backyard fence on Wednesday night, cut off my lock, and replaced it.


On Thursday morning, I was chatting with my neighbor. He mentioned that the guy showed up around 6am Thursday and ORDERED my neighbor to move the car. My neighbor politely declined. (He has physical limitations that make getting into his son's high-off-the-ground truck impossible). The guy said, "I will be back at 7am on Friday, and your car better be gone." The guy also muttered a word directed at my neighbor's ethnicity which my neighbor's ethnic ears picked up. My neighbor mentioned this to me, and we had a good laugh. I also decided, just to be on the safe side, to file a police report for the cut lock. Not to press charges or anything, but just to have something on the record in the event anything happened later. The cop, neighbor, and I couldn't believe this guy's stupidity. Obviously, I knew where I would be at 7am.


The guy showed up right at 7am with a truck. I decided not to confront him - anyone crazy enough to cut off a lock is not worth 5 months' rent. I watched him from my bathroom window, and, when he left, I went to survey what, if anything, was left in the unit.


My neighbor and I were pleasantly surprised that a pallet of over 1000 large boxes remained - I planned to try and Craigslist the moving boxes for a few hundred bucks or at least get someone to haul them away for free.


Side note: moving boxes are expensive! You can get clean, free boxes from liquor stores, or hit up friends who work in offices or who work as drug reps.


The guy then returned for the boxes. He was NOT expecting to see me. I walked over and began lifting the boxes into his van. His jaw, at the point, was on ground.


"Bet you weren't expecting me. I'm going to help you," I said. "Here, let me do that." Silence. Cheerfully, I lifted stack after stack into his car, and tucked in the empty Dunkin' Donuts cup he left on the ground - my ground - for good measure. Total silence. Finally, as I shoved in the last stack, I looked him right in the eye and said, "You owe me $x. You owe me the lock you cut off the other night. But I'm not going to get it. You and I both know that. I'm not going to sue you and I'm not pressing charges. But I do need to tell you one thing: Karma is a bitch." I paused, then added, "you have a great day now."

Side note: I don't really believe in karma, but I do watch My Name is Earl. I don't care that it is a front for Scientology. It is a happy show with a happy, complete ending in 30 minutes. No dead bodies a la CSI. No rapes a la SVU. No vampires. No sex. Just a cute moral dilemma with a cute moral solution. If I wanted to deal with horrifically mangled bodies or souls destroyed by rape, I would have stayed at work, thank you very much.


As he got into his van and prepared to pull away, I motioned for him to roll down his window.


"You tell [his wife] that [my former colleage] says hi."


Silver-dollar eyes.

"Oh, and [current client of guy's business] says hi, too."

Silver-dollar eyes widened to [insert a larger such coin here.]


"Small world, I know," I remarked. And then he drove away.


This guy has a very unique first name. Think "MoonChild" or "Sandalwood" or "SunDancer." (Evidently, his hippie parents neglected to teach their little "Kozmik" about karma...). By chance, a few months ago a colleage overhead me leaving him a voicemail reminding him that he owed rent and we learned that my colleague is best friends with his wife. As in, their mothers grew up on the same block, my colleague has been BFFs with the guy's wife since toddlerhood, and my colleague and this guy are neighbors.

And THEN...this guy's business deals a lot with pharma sales reps. It just so happens that one of his biggest clients is a sales rep who - drumroll - is the owner of Jack's best two canine friends.


Such a small, small world.


I didn't really care about the back rent. Yes, money is good and I would have liked to have had it, but, at the end of the day, I'm not going to battle over it when the guy knows where I sleep at night. I was, however, furious about the $15 lock he cut. Furious. And I wasn't happy that he ordered around and insulted my neighbor, who not only looks like Gandhi, but acts like him, too.


So while I have zero expectations of getting any money, I do know that this guy will probably feel guilty and/or like a big ol' loser every time he sees his neighbor (my former colleage) or his biggest client (my friend). Even better, his business just moved right next to my cobbler. They share a small parking lot. I see my sweet cobbler about once a month - YOU try walking on cobblestone and gravel in pointy heels! - and I can only imagine that the sight of my car in his lot will make him feel guilty. Or wonder when karma is smack him upside the head. Bwahahaha.

Sing it with me: It's a smaaaaaaaaall world after all...

And while it is decidedly wrong for me to feel a teeny bit of glee knowing that he will feel like a big guilty loser whenever he sees my car...I can't help it. I am praying that if there is a reason he was unable to pay the rent - downturn in business, health care bills, etc. - that his finances/health/etc. improve. So...see? When I'm not making beaver jokes, talking about sexxx as I share particularly yummy recipe, or insinuating that your mother is fast, cheap, and easy...I can actually have break-through moments of capital-M Maturity.


At the very least, he got a belated Halloween scare.

myspace and such

Last night I attended a lawerly function with my two mentors, one of their wives, and a retired federal judge who is well into his nineties. Mentor #1 is driving with Judge in the front passenger seat. I'm in the back with Mentor #2 and his wife. Judge, who is one of the kindest people I have ever had the privilege to know, turned to me. In a kind voice, he asked...

"So, are on my face?"

Mentor #1 swerved and got a few choice hand gestures from the drivers around us and Mentor #2 choked on his gum, thereby giving me a few blessed seconds to process that one.

"No, I'm not, Judge. I don't think anything can compare to a thoughtful, handwritten letter."

Somehow, I don't think that's going to make it into the firm's monthly newsletter.

***

Usefulness of the day: "Take these three items: some WD-40, a vice grip, and a roll of duct tape. Any man worth his salt can fix almost any problem with this stuff alone." - Walt Kowalski in Gran Torino. (Atrocious acting, decent story line).

Comic credit.

Irresponsible Hysteria

I subscribe to Bill Keller's daily devotional emails. I don't agree with 100% of what he says or how he approaches certain matters, but many days I'm blessed by his emails. I emailed him last year, and he - personally - phoned me several times with an answer and a few follow-ups. He is one of the few people whom I honestly believe truly means it when he closes his messages with a simple "I love you." That said, I was disappointed nearly to the point of feeling ill by Wednesday's email. With the subject line "I'll be in jail one day soon for preaching the Bible!" he launches into the following:

I told you by the end of the year, there would be laws on the books making it ILLEGAL to speak out against the sin of homosexuality, every [sic] from the Bible. That could actually be a reality within the next month as Congress is seeking to jam such a bill through THIS WEEK!

I know that people have differing views on homosexuality, but that is not the point here. Nor am I trying to start a debate on homosexuality either - let me be clear on that. I also know that many of us have strong feelings on homosexuality. That's fine, too. What is not fine - or responsible - is to resort to hysteria and untruths. If you present a problem, publicize it, and urge immediate action, please, do your research. In addition to being flat-out wrong, I'm sure that the sponsors of the bill and who knows how many legislators are wasting too much valuable time responding to concerned - but ill-informed - citizens. Though I am using Mr. Keller's email for this post, a similar sentiment that "unless we act now, we will be forbidden to read from the Bible!" can be found in many mainstream religious groups (usually Christian).

I strongly suspect that Mr. Keller is channeling Ake Green, a Swedish pastor, who was found guilty of offending homosexuals in a 2003 sermon in which he described homosexuality as "abnormal, a horrible cancerous tumour in the body of society." Sweden does not function under the United States Constitution. Even if the proposed law Mr. Keller references did seek to circumvent the Constitution - which it does not - such a law would immediately be litigated and ultimately overturned.

I believe that Mr. Keller is referring to H. R. 1592, a hate-crime prevention act that expands hate-crime status to a crime where the crime is specifically# motivated by "actual or perceived race, color, religion, national origin, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity, or disability of the victim." Speech is not a hate crime, and speech is not even an issue in H.R. 1592, which is quite clear that a hate crime can be only one that involves "assault, aggravated assault, or shooting." To be even clearer, the bill refers only to criminal assault.+ And, to be perfectly clear for the benefit of those who whip themselves into a frenzy over the phrase "sexual orientation", the bill closes with the following:

Nothing in this Act, or the amendments made by this Act, shall be construed to prohibit any expressive conduct protected from legal prohibition by, or any activities protected by the free speech or free exercise clauses of, the First Amendment to the Constitution. [emphasis mine]

Rumors like "religious leaders will be sued/jailed for reading from Leviticus" or "priests will be forced to marry same-sex couples" are just that - rumors. There is a firm respect for religious practice in the religious sphere. Houses of worship enjoy a tax-exempt status. The Salvation Army is free to legally discriminate against homosexuals. Heck, if smoking peyote is a bona fide, integral part of your religious practice, go and toke up. [This is not legal advice and I am referencing State v. Mooney.] Though it is not my area, case law on religious freedom in the religious sphere seems quite strong - and the purported punishment for a politically incorrect sermon absolutely and obviously violative of that tradition.

Even more absurd is this idea that the government can force a religious leader to perform same-sex, interracial, or interreligious marriages. A county court clerk can certainly face orders to perform a same-sex civil ceremony where same-sex marriage is the law because a government official is charged with upholding the law. A government employee does not have the discretion to only enforce laws he finds to his liking.* If there is an example of a religious leader forced violate his religious beliefs on a religious matter, I can't find it.** Indeed, there is no shortage of instances of a religious group enjoying freedom from matters a non-religious group does not. For example, a church employer is free to discriminate against women as Sunday School teachers if the reasoning is grounded in a bona fide in interpretation of Paul; a secular employer is obviously not.

What is especially curious about Mr. Keller's prediction is that such a proposed law would violate not only the Constitutional prohibition against excessive government entanglement with religion, but also the prohibition against the government infringing the right to speech. I won't launch into a full history lesson on free speech as I think we all know the basics. There are clear-cut tests for when the government can limit speech, and limiting anti-homosexuality speech would fail the test. To be sure, painting "abomination!" in blood on Ellen DeGeneres' front door would likely constitute harassment - but so, too, a racial epithet. The government can usually regulate speech-related conduct - rarely content. Thus, the government can require that the Westboro Baptist Church secure a permit prior to protesting (regulating conduct), but not refuse the permit due to their message (content). If Mr. Keller wishes to preach against homosexuality from the pulpit, he can do so knowing the Constitution protects his speech - and that H.R. 1592 does, too.

# The motivation is crucial for a crime to rise to the level of hate-crime status. Mugging a black person because you want money is not a hate crime. Pushing a black person to the ground, yelling racial slurs, stomping on his head, and then stealing his wallet is likely a hate crime because the racial slurs indicate that the crime was motivated by race. Contrary to popular opinion, hate-crime legislation does not create new crimes, nor does it make hate or hate speech illegal. It simply adds an additional punishment to the underlying crime where there is clear evidence that hate was a motivating factor.

+ Criminal and civil assault are two different creatures. Civil assault is intentional act that causes a reasonable apprehension an imminent harmful or offensive contact to or about the body that is unconsented. It need not involve actual contact; the reasonable fear of an imminent contact is assault. If you are approached by someone who shoves a knife in your face and demands your wallet, you probably have a reasonable fear that the knife is about to make an immediate, harmful contact with your body and you did not consent to such contact. That is a civil assault. Note, however, that there must be an act. Mere speech is not enough. Thus, if you quote Leviticus while waving a gun in his face, you've probably given that person a reasonable fear of an imminent and harmful contact of the gun or bullet to his body.

* Some higher-level government employees do enjoy some discretionary powers, but such powers are limited and generally clearly enumerated.

** The courts are clear, however, that freedom of religious practice does not include the right to engage in ritual murder or child sexual abuse. Serious legal crimes where someone is killed or abused seem to be the limit. The use of certain hallucinogenic drugs (State v. Mooney, 98 P.3d 420 (Utah 2004)) and ritual animal sacrifice (Church of Lukumi Babalu Aye v. City of Hialeah, 508 U.S. 520 (1993)), have been upheld as religious rights.

Huffing, Puffing, and Hyperbole

A plea: let's all make an effort to tone down the hyperbole, shall we? America has become increasingly lazy, as evidenced by its reliance on sensationalist headlines, reluctance to do any independent research, aversion to any views outside one's own narrow existence, and dangerous penchant towards extremism. I believe that we all possess an innate, subconscious tendency to trumpet our own beliefs as the "only" or the "right." Let us not allow this tendency to overshadow the need to reflect, share, and reason. Open-mindedness is not a mere PC buzzword.

"Obama is the Messiah."
"All liberals want to do is murder innocent babies."
"Childless couples are the most selfish people on the planet."
"Rappers/working mothers/lawyers are 100% responsible for society's downfall."
"Conservatives only care about making sure all women are kept barefoot and pregnant."
"Obama is the anti-Christ."
"Irresponsible breeders like the Duggar family are responsible for killing our environment."
"Those homosexuals with their agendas want to infiltrate our schools and make everyone gay."
"Generation X/Y is the laziest generation out there."
"FOCA mandates/will soon mandate that rape victims abort."
"Racial minorities/women stole the job of a white man thanks to anti-discrimination laws."
"Trial lawyers want to eliminate personal responsibility."
"Life was perfect back in my day."
"All American soldiers do is kill innocent civilians."

And my favorite, "I literally had to bend over backwards to make her happy."
Picture credit, picture credit.

***
Tip/trick/lesson of the day: At restaurant.com, use the coupon code SUPER to purchase a $25 gift certificate for only $3. I use these gift certificates a lot - they work. Just pay attention to the clearly stated limitations listed next to each restaurant. Some certificates are not good on Saturday nights, some require you purchase 2 entrees - still a great buy and a nice way to try out a new restaurant.

A PG-13 Grammer Post

Toothpaste for dinner

Friend did not have a quality education until college and grew up in a very poor, very rural area where grammar was quite far down the "must do" list. Somewhere near "hire a feng shui coordinator for the outhouse," perhaps. Feeling shy about conversing with co-workers who actually live in homes with perfectly feng-shuied bathrooms, she set about tackling their/there/they're and the like.

When she - a decidenly brilliant woman, by the way :) - bought a grammar text a few months ago, she became a tad obsessed with prepositions and asked me to correct her whenever she let her prepositions dangle. Memorizing the whole list of prepositions while remembering to put them in their proper place can be challenging! I did as she requested and gently corrected as necessary when the two of us conversed alone. When one has been dangling one's prepositions for 30 years, this can be a frustrating blow to one's self esteem. To lighten up the mood and avoid being feng-shuied upside the head with said grammar text, I told her a PG-13 joke.

The following joke is not to be viewed by those who disapprove of discussing "female dogs" in a non-canine context.

*
*
*

A snooty Bostonian found herself seated next to a friendly woman from the South on a recent plane trip. "Where y'all traveling to?" asked the Southern woman. "To a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions," the Bostonian retorted. The other woman sat back and considered this for a moment. "Where y'all traveling to, b****?"

See? Grammer is fun! And just a tiny bit bad :)

***
Tip/trick/lesson of the day: If you're messy and tend to toss your keys, phone, wallet, and more on the nearest surface when you come home, purchase a large bowl for an entry table or kitchen counter. It will keep it all contained, and you will not have to run around in the morning cursing the gnomes who sneak out in the wee hours to steal your car keys. I use a large glass bowl so that I can see exactly what has been appropriated by the gnomes while I slept.

An etiquette question

How does one react when a friend or acquaintance makes a comment or joke that denigrates an entire race, ethnicity, religion, gender, or sexuality?

I'm not so Good that I don't find humor in an off-color joke, but I draw the line where the joke reinforces dangerous (and usually untruthful) stereotypes. I also know that looking Shocked and Appalled and storming off in a huff is not usually the best response, as it removes the opportunity to correct, or at least counter with one's own views. (Certain subjects, however, do absolutely warrant at least a strong excoriation, if not a stormy exit. A joke that endeavors to glorify the depraved acts and beliefs of Hitler or John Lotter and Marvin "Tom" Nissen are examples.)

What are examples of responses that (1) clearly indicate that one does not agree with the sentiment expressed but (2) also express a genuine willingness to explore the issues surrounding the joke?

Lately, I've been within earshot of some very Bad "jokes". "Jokes" that will not be repeated here because they are profoundly unhealthy and unfunny. My standard response has been to give a heavy, "ooooh, that's troublesome" sigh (which is different from a "you're so stupid" sigh or a "this is beneath me" sigh) and follow with a remark - in a light, casual tone - such as "Oh, John, I know you don't really think that! You're going to give these lovely folks the wrong idea about you!" or "Helen, how about that 'how many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb' joke you told me last week! That was a riot! And, unlike [insert offensive subject matter here], it's actually true!" or "Matt, buddy, that's not a joke. Here's a real joke..."

Suggestions?

***

Tip/trick/lesson of the day: A real joke.

A string walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender looks at him and asks, "we don't serve strings here." The string leaves. He thinks that if he is impeccably polite, he might be served a beverage. "Please, sir, if it is not too much trouble, sir, may I have a drink, please?" The bartender responds, "I'm sorry. We do not serve strings here."

The string again exits. He ties himself up and musses up his hair and walks back into the bar. "Aren't you a string?" the bartender asks. "Nope," replies the string. "I'm afraid not!"

(Please substitute the bar for a restaurant and the drink for a meal for children.)

Picture credit.