ahahahaha

Now, I don't give astrology much more than the occassional bemused smile, but I just happened to read today's horoscope and nearly fell over laughing.

Your horoscope for January 31, 2010
Have you resolved to give your house a thorough cleaning from top to bottom?
Why, yes, actually.
You may have gone to the grocery store and brought home every conceivable type of cleaner.
Ditto.
You're determined not to quit until the house is spotless.
That's kinda my personality.
This is fine, but there are two cautions: first, use natural cleaners. Chemical substances could seem especially harsh today.
It's cool. I bought Latex gloves.
Second, don't try to do it all now.
?
Take care of the worst, then leave the rest.
But I need the prohibited chemicals to take care of the worst!
Tomorrow is soon enough!
You're right. I'll just put my feet up and rest up for tomorrow.

as per request and a giveaway

Someone reminded me that I neglected to include a certain photo in yesterday's tribute.

I was gone for no more than 10 minutes. In that time, Jack opened my child-proofed cabinet, removed an unopened 5lb sack of flour, carried it all the way back from the kitchen area to the dog couch, and went to town.

Please note his little helper to the left, too.
He is a serious carb-a-holic, so I'm sure straight flour was like pure crack to him.
Getting that sticky paste of drool and flour off a cloth couch was Not Fun.
However, I submitted the below picture to the "Marley Has a Mischief" contest last year. Everyone thought it looked like he was giving me a smug little smile. He wasn't - if you know him, you know that is how he looks before a sneeze. We won! First place!


GIVEAWAY:
Part of the prize was money. (I kept that.) The contest folks also send a DVD of Marley and Me. I have zero desire to ever see the movie. It is rated PG and you can read why here. Enter by leaving a comment with a good name (or more) for...a puppy! Because there will be a puppy added to the zoo as soon as I get a job. Puppy will probably be a girl and either be a Dane or a mastiff because one Lab is more than enough, thank you. I'll pick a random winner at some point.

If you want to see cute puppy pics and you're a prayer/sage burner/rain dancer/positive vibe sender, it couldn't hurt for you to pray that I land a job soon :)

Speaking of names, I thought this was too funny not to share. Jack's name is Jack. He is a bad dog. He is a super-dominant Alpha dog which means I am constantly pulling him off other dogs at the park. (Contrary to the rating guidance, there is nothing sexual about it - it is strictly a way to assert one's pack position.) For years, I was yelling, "Jack, OFF! Jack, OFF!"

I've since switched to "Jack, NO!"

tres leches cake

1. Decide to make tres leches cake.

2. Somehow allow a spoon to land in the batter.

3. Unnoticed.

4. Bake.
5. Cool. Retrieve spoon.

6. Have great fun making frosting from very cold heavy cream. Marvel at how a little arm muscle time with the Kitchen Aid can turn a liquid into a fluff!

7. Fill in the retrieval holes with that marvelous fluffy stuff.

8. Do the dishes.

Please tell me I'm not the only one to have done this!

I find tinsel distracting.

Happy Festivus!

dam beaver!

I had a small dinner party last weekend.

So I got Jack a new toy from Target to keep him entertained.

I grabbed this stuffed toy because he hasn't had a stuffed squeaker for a while. Stuffed toys are a special treat...they are allowed only with supervision as Jack has a tendency de-squeak and eat (and then un-eat) anything with fur and fluffy innards.

As I checked out, the clerk giggled.

"Your dog sure likes beavers, huh?" she asked.

I thought she was giggling over the buckteeth, or maybe the adorable floppy wide quilted brown tail.

I bought it for the tail, actually.
"Well, we sometimes see beavers at the park. But he is more interested in the geese poop," I answered.

She gave me a funny look. I thought it was because I said "geese poop"in public.

By the time I served up coffee and tea with a dog pushing his slobbery beaver into my guests' laps, a girlfriend whispered to remind me that, in mixed company especially,...

there is a reason why Beaver College had to change its name to Arcadia University.

Ahem.

***

Usefulness of the day: I've discovered Sudoku. You can print off free puzzles - at a specific difficulty level! - at krazydad.com.

giggle

I'm sorry, but this photo just cracked me up! It is from awkardfamilyphotos.com.

To my Jersey readers: skip this post

Emails between my mother and me...


Allison's mother (who has yet to understand how to compose an email in something other than all caps!)
HOPE THAT ALL IS WELL IN PA AND NJ. YOUR FATHER NOW HAS ANOTHER DOG TAG NECKLACE [Allison: "another"? I've never seen him in any necklace, ever!] AND , COMBINED WITH THE OTHERS, MAKES HIM LOOK LIKE HE COMES FROM NJ AND IS ITALIAN [Allison: My ancestry is definitely not Italian. Otherwise, I might have a bit of color to my so-white-I'm-blue skin.] WE JUST CAME FROM AN ITALIAN BBQ AT THE LAKE, FRIENDS OF DAN AND CONNIE, DAD FIT RIGHT IN. LOTS OF TANNED BOATING FOLKS, SHOW OFFS IN SKIMPY OUTFITS AND HIGH HEELS [Allison: do I want to know how my father fits right in with high heels?]... AT A BBQ AN THE LAWN AND BEACHFRONT. HARD TO WALK IN THOSE ON PAVEMENT. I GUESS THAT I SHOULD ADMIRE THE SKILL OF THOSE WHO CAN WALK ON THOSE 4 INCH PLATFORM HEELS IN SAND. [Allison: my mother always looks for the best in others. Unless they are New Jersey Italians. I think she watched too much Sopranos. Or something.] HARDLY MASAI TRIBE SNEAKERS. [Allison: my mother and I are smitten with Masai sneakers.]

GOD BLESS

LOVE, MOM



My response. Note how I am also using all caps in the hopes that she will change her ways!
SEND PICS OF HIM WITH THE DOG TAGS. YOU HAVE A CAMERA IN YOUR CELL PHONE. [My mother just got a new phone. I purposely got her the same phone I have so I can teach her how to use it. She has yet to turn on the camera my sister gave her a year ago.]


Mom's reply. (No pics, but also no all-caps.)
the new necklace is a dog tag in silver. It is also a piece of black sting ray skin, framed with silver. Wait, it gets better. There is a silver dagger, in relief, on top of the black sting ray skin, which is then framed with silver. All hanging from a thick shiny silver chain. It contrasts with the three other gold chains and pendants currently around his neck. One a gold crucifix, another a gold dollar coin.

He DID go to school in NJ for two yrs. [Allison: well, clearly, that explains why my father suddenly started wearing necklaces - plural! - 40 years after spending a few semesters in NJ.]


---
I know you all are trying to wrap your heads around all this:

1. What does a German physician in his mid-60s outfitted in multiple gold and silver chains look like?
I'm wondering that myself, actually.

2. What's with the sting ray skin? Is that some kind of surfer look?
See above. He DID go to school in CA for two years.

3. Does your mother hate Italians?
No. Most of their friends are hard-core Italians. From my very first Christmas, we join a family of four generations for the Italian Christmas Eve tradition of seven seafood dishes. My mother just finds (1) anything outside Boston proper, (2) New Jersey and Philadelphia Italian trial lawyers and (3) the home decor philosophies* of South Jersey and South Philadelphia Italians rather amusing.

* Trust me. You would, too. It took me a while, but I finally figured out that these folks put up gargoyles, door-guarding lions, and Venus de Milo statues in their yards not to be cool and ironic, but because they think it looks nice.

stupid fun

Roomie (in video) and I really do have jobs. And social lives. And other such responsibilities and endeavors that get us out of the house. I promise.



***
Usefulness of the day: Free wake-up calls.

Jack is a gardener, too

See? He has his own Croc (singular).

The good news is that he only steals flip flops and Crocs, never anything pricier. The better news is that he never chews - he just does it for attention, waving them in front of my face. The bad news, of course, is that I give it to him in his preferred form: taking pictures. Hey, it paid off!

***
Usefulness of the day: Print out coupon for a free light smoothie on June 19th.

Winner!

Jack won the Marley Has A Mischief contest! Personally, though, I thought the entry with the Boston terrier slinking away from the destroyed couch was the best. Judging by the comments, some voters felt that trash is easy to clean up, but that sticky paste of drool and flour is not. Here are more pictures from that day...(and I want to point out that I was only out of the house for 15 minutes when this happened!)

Finally, someone else believes that Jack really is one of the worst dogs out there. When I read Marley & Me, I spent most of the time shaking my head at how easy Marley's owners had it! Marley, for example, was only kicked out of one obedience class - unlike certain boys who were expelled from multiple classes and felt by some trainers that he should be put down. Some dogs are simply far too smart for their own good. I feel a bit sad when I realize that Jack would have made a fantastic guide dog for someone, but then quickly remember that he'd take over. "Lady, you don't want to go there. Let's go here instead. Just trust me."

***

Usefulness of the day: To remove wet sticky flour from uphostery, I first attacked it with a damp cloth. Then a vacuum. Then a credit card to scrape. Then I let it dry and scraped with a credit card and razor blade. Repeat. All the while reminding myself that this is why there is one piece of furniture exclusively for the dogs.

Vote for me!

I entered this picture in a contest for naughty dogs and...Jack is in the top 5!

You can vote here. Click on your favorite photo, then click on the fifth hamburger icon to vote.

Disturbing website of the day...

"But Allison," you ask, "how can a sweet baby girl in a lilac tutu disturb anyone?"

The bangs. They're not real. Evidently, there are far too many infants embarrassing their poor parents with their pathetically thin wisps of baby hair.

How dreadfully embarrassing.

Never fear. Baby Bangs! has the solution for parents who have grown weary of correcting strangers that the child is "not a boy!" Baby Bangs!'s target demographic is "the girl who has everything - except hair!" It's easy fix, too. Just place the wig and headband atop baby's head, comb and tease each strand of hair into a natural swirl pattern, and then lacquer it in place with hairspray. I'm sure that - and the subsequent ungluing of each strand from baby's scalp - is super-easy. The price of beauty. Sigh.

Ah, much better! Baby is all set to go out in public. No need to keep her cloistered in a windowless room. With her "exquisite" hairdo, baby will look "[s]o beautiful." How beautiful? She is "sure to grab comments from family, friends, and even strangers!" What parent doesn't want her newly coiffed baby grabbing the attention of strangers? "I can't believe the change it made in Emily," reports a grandmother in St. Louis. "Thank goodness she has hair now." Julia Baker in Boulder, CO gushes that these little wigs are "very cute and apropos in our image-conscious modern world."

Is that true? I assumed that "our image-conscious modern world" exempted infants for a few years, at least. Evidently not.

"Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it." Confucius.

***

Usefulness of the day: Acetylsalicylic acid (Aspirin) is an acetyl derivative of salicylic acid, which is a common active ingredient in anti-acne medications. Grind up an uncoated tablet, mix water to make a paste, and dab on any blemishes. You can also use ground aspirin as an exfoliating treatment or a mask. Just be sure it is safe for you to take Aspirin before trying.

Picture credits.

happy birthday!

(to me.)
Pictures taken by Roommate, last year.

Jack loves a good party!

Coco does not. She's the girl who didn't get invited and then calls the police with a noise complainy.

Why so serious?

Ah, that's more like it.

I don't know if that's a yawn or grin.

Jack's rubber chicken got leid.

"Who invited you?"

I don't think dogs are supposed to eat wax candles.

Or balloons.

Reflecting on another year.

Jack saves us all from a dangerous land shark

Thanks, Jack.

Tax Time!

I won this cute little romper over at Frugal Homemaker Plus. I gifted it to an expecting friend this afternoon and "wrapped" it around my little model. I highly recommend visiting her blog. Her thrifty, creative ways definitely put the "plus" in Frugal Homemaker Plus!

Don't worry, Friend is a dog lover and would have tried it on her own pups, too. And yes, it will be properly laundered before clothing a newborn.

And no, I have no actual plans to deduct my amusing little watchdog as a "security" or "entertainment" expense or something similarly creative...hello, audit!

***
Tip/trick/lesson of the day: For those of you with diaper-wearing family members, keep an eye out for a new product called Fanny Foam. It's basically the same thing as the popular Butt Paste, but in a foam delivery system.