hunger and yearning

I've been sort of trudging along this whole capital-S Spiritual journey partially out of a sense of obligation, partially out of a sense of "it's good for me!"(like broccoli, you know), and partially out of a desire to not go to Hell.

I knew - know - precisely what is missing: that pure yearning after God. I yearned to have that yearning. That has been my prayer for so long: please, make me yearn for You. Turn my heart to you. Make me want You, make me want to know You, make me hunger for You. I am so very envious of those who have that hunger...yes, envy is a sin, but I kinda suspect it ain't that bad of a sin :)

For years, I didn't understand why some prayers were answered immediately. Indeed, some so fast I had to giggle. "Please let there be a parking space." Done. "Please tell that driver to let me cut in front of him." Done. "Please help me find my car keys." Done...and done, and done, and done. And yet others - others that, in sum, begged God to teach me to glorify Him, to recognize sin, to turn away from it, and to, above all, push me to that singular wanting? Not so immediate.

I'm beginning to suspect that maybe, just maybe, by proving that He could be faithful about the little things, He could be faithful about the Big Things.

A friend lent me a book - Jesus Calling - and, my goodness, is that title ever accurate. I will write more later, but I am now totally floored by the way that so many of us write off or condense down the entire Bible as "love your neighbor as yourself." It's in there - don't get me wrong - but how many souls have been deceived by this falsehood that loving one's neighbor is all there is?

My oh my.

Just some random, mid-week, haven't-slept-for-more-than-4-hours thoughts.

Pollution

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27.

Well. I give myself a D for that.

Life is confusing. I'm beginning to suspect that the majority of that confusion isn't confusion at all, but temptation. Isn't it easier to say "that confuses me" than to say "I know that X is wrong, but I want to do it anyway?"

Yes. The answer is yes.

forsaken

This is probably either (1) a really stupid question or (2) one of those questions that, along with "where did Cain's wife come from?" we're just not supposed to ask. I actually did ask the below (and preceding) question in my ladies Bible study group, which were met with assorted clucks and variations on the passive-aggressive "I'll pray for you," which we all know is nice Christian speak for "you are a total moron."

Why did Jesus think that God abandoned him?

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Usefulness of the day: Need to buy a large quantity of fancy resume paper? FedEx/Kinkos usually has 500 packs of it. Much cheaper than Staples. You probably have to ask for it; the big packs are not typically on display. Ask how I know :/.

Misfits

I have yet to find a house of worship. I have visited many and recently semi-settled into one where I just didn't feel comfortable. Throughout my life, I've often felt "too X for the Y people and too Y for the X people." I don't fit in many places.

For the past few months I have participated in a young ladies study group. Definitely did not fit in there.
I think the final straw was last week when I said that my marriage models are Gomez and Morticia Addams because they are so clearly deeply, passionately, and almost madly in love with each other after years of marriage, children, and family members living with them. Don't worry - I linked it back up to Song of Solomon. I was politely told that one doesn't talk about s-e-x in Bible study. Which confused me, because (1) it's in the Bible, (2) I was hardly even approaching any level of explicit discussion and, mostly, (3) because once the hour is over and the Bibles are closed there is a whole lotta very explicit talk about sitting in a gentleman's shadow and tasting his sweet fruits. Blowing into the garden, the flowing of spices, and pleasant fruits. Perhaps some discussion over whose boyfriend has the tallest apple tree.

Ahem.

Then I happened to meet some crazy lady. Crazy in a good way. I have a special affinity for the crazies. They're interesting. I love interesting. We got to talking and she invited me to her church. I couldn't tell from the name what kind of place it was. "We're all misfits there. Catholics, Protestants, Evangelicals, Jews (I'm going to presume of the Messianic persuasion), even an couple who used to handle snakes. And there's no preachin', just teachin'."

I'd go just for the former snake handlers.

So, that is my plan for Sunday: (1) farmer's market (2) meet the misfits, get taught, politely decline any profferred kool-aid, and (3) dog park time.

I'm excited.

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Usefulness of the day: Phone get wet? Remove the battery and bury in a bowl of white rice. Not a guarantee, but it just might work. Ask me how I know. Unrelated, be careful when using the facilities with a cell phone in the rear pocket of your jeans.

Questions about going vegetarian/vegan

I had quite a few people email me or leave comments about going vegetarian or vegan after this post, and I'm just going to respond to all of you here. Two months later. Bear in mind that I'm probably not the typical vegetarian, for reasons that will become clear as you read.

Did you grow up in a vegetarian household?
Not even close. There was always a diverse supply of meat: mostly venison from bow-hunting and ostrich and reindeer from a local humane farm. Standard fare like chicken and beef was rare until my mother found a shop that carried hormone-free fare, although my she would often serve something like weird like rabbit or emu and say, "it's chicken." Plenty of nature on the walls and in my mother's closet, too.

Do you dislike meat?
Even as a toddler, I hated meat, especially the texture. I have since learned that I inherited a rare and otherwise benign condition that causes my body to hold onto iron, resulting in very high iron levels. Thanks, Grandma! Analagous to how even a dedicated pre-menopausal veggie lady will crave red meat a few days a month, I suspect this likely explains my aversion. It also means I am rather friendly with the folks at my local blood donation center - a little bloodletting here and there is obviously preferable to iron-lowering drugs.

That said, I so love a hearty pot roast and look forward to making beef bourgogne this weekend.

Why did you go vegetarian?
There are, I think, three reasons to go vegetarian: religion, ethics, and health.

Many faiths restrict certain foods or recommend certain diets. Even where a vegetarian diet is not a rule, some individuals choose it out of convenience. For example, because of the prohibition against mixing meat with dairy, some observant Jews will simply choose to avoid all meat.

I suspect that most people go vegan/vegetarian for ethical reasons. We all know that many meat operations do not raise, feed, or slaughter the animals in a humane way. The same can also be said about, say, the care of cows and chickens who provide us with milk, cheese, yogurt, and eggs. I kinda feel that if you're going to cut out meat because you feel bad for the animals, you might as well stop consuming dairy products as well...and no leather, either. It's all the same principle, isn't it? There is also a second environmental/economic facet emerging - briefly, it is more efficient to produce plant foods than meat foods, and maybe those cows are putting holes in the ozone layer.

I have no answers as far as ethics. Sorry. I love leather and cheese and my mink-trimmed gloves.

That leaves health.

It is generally accepted that a meat-free healthy diet is healthier than meat-containing heathy diet. Yes, I know there are caveman diets out there, but let's stick to the mainstream stuff, shall we? Regular consumption of red meat has been linked to a whole host of unpleasant, life-shortening conditions. Regular consumption of veggies, fruits, healthy plant fats*, and whole grains has been linked to all sorts of pleasant, life-extending benefits. I eat primarily vegetarian for health. You've probably already concluded I don't do it for the ethics. I also never got up and went vegetarian. I simply eat what I like - which just happens to not be meat.

Now, I will sometimes eat meat. It isn't very PC these days to say this, but I believe that, save for an allergy or religious conviction, eating whatever your host has prepared with a smile is a hugely important Life Skill. My work life involves a lot of eating out, and not all restaurants have even a single vegetarian entree. I'm loathe to being That Person with all sorts of dietary requests, especially in a professional environment where (usually) being the only female and the only person under 40 presents enough of a barrier to fitting in. On the plus side, though, I've learned that even when a catered event asks you to pick between beef or salmon, you can call ahead and request a veggie entree. It is almost always much better than the meat dishes, though, so be prepared to share! Don't do this at a wedding, but definitely consider it if your work-related event is in another country.

What would happen if your future husband were a meat eater?
He would eat meat, I imagine. With limited exceptions, what other people put into their bodies doesn't particularly concern me. Obviously, I'd like my spouse to (1) live a long healthy life and (2) maintain a nice BMI - and I expect my spouse would want the same for me. That means that most meals will be healthy and take into account our individual caloric requirements. Though I rarely eat it myself, I do grill up a mean steak!

Again, this is easy for me to say because I'm not motivated by vegetarian ethics. In general, I think that if someone has a strong conviction about anything - faith, saving the trees, not eating meat - she should tailor her dating life accordingly.

What athletes are vegan/vegetarian?
Mr. Universe Bill Pearl, Robert Cheeke, Desmond Howard, Martina Navratilova, Edwin Moss, John Salley, Bill Walton, Robert Parish, Paavo Nurmi, and Chris Campbell are a few of many who are reported to follow (or have followed) at least a vegetarian diet.

Do you rely on protein bars or protein powders?
Yes, but for mostly good reason and a little bit because I'm lazy. When I was working, many meals were taken in the car and a smoothie (soy milk, protein powder, berries, yogurt, and greens powder) was easier to eat than something like a cheese and hummus sandwich. A protein bar can be tucked into a briefcase and nibbled discreetly, unlike a plate of quinoa. In addition, my blood sugar can plunge in mere seconds, making a quick, neat, calorie-dense snack a necessity. I like Promax protein bars and Larabars, which are vegan and raw and yummy. I also eat a lot of almonds. Neither Promax nor Larabar is paying me, but they should with the amount of business I give them.

Have you lost weight?
I'm not trying to lose weight, but replacing some or all of your meat with something lower in calories is one way to lose weight. You have to do it right, though, and keep in mind that weight loss is largely a matter of calories in/calories out. Snickers bars, cheesy poofs, beer, soda, and tobacco are all vegetarian. If portion control is a challenge for you, then yes, switching to something that is filling but less dense in calories - spinach tossed with a little garlic, lemon, and olive oil or veggie soup instead of a saucy steak or cheeseburger - is a fantastic way to lose weight. Most fruits and vegetables have a low calorie-density; meats do not.

How frugal can a vegetarian diet be if the cost of produce is so high?
It can be relatively inexpensive - even in the winter - if you shop properly. Stick to in-season produce and don't buy anything pre-cut. Off-season, visit the freezer aisle. At my grocery store, a big bag of frozen spinach and medium-size bags of broccoli, peas, and carrots goes for under a dollar. I could probably do better price-wise at Wal-Mart or a warehouse club, but they are inconvenient for me. Frozen berries, pineapple, and mango are cheaper than fresh and reasonably priced at Trader Joe's. Beyond that, I am fortunate to be able to shop at a year-round flea market with cheap produce stalls. I have a large chest freezer and stock up when there is a sale. I also live off my garden in the summer - something I can accomplish in a tiny yard by using grow boxes. Remember that if you buy more grains, legumes, and eggs and less meat, you will likely have more to spend on produce. Do a little comparison-shopping, too. It takes 30 seconds to glance at a grocery circular. Finally, I suggest that getting your RDA of produce has a heckuva ROI!

Does it gross you out or offend to go to a restaurant and have people at your table order steak?
Not at all. Again, not PC to say this, but I firmly believe that anyone who is offended by what someone else is eating needs to grow up.

Do you have tips for making the switch?
1. The fastest way to guarantee that your veg kick will last a week, tops, is to go out and load up on tofu. That stuff is awful. Unless you marinate the heck out of it and fry it or hide it in a smoothie, you won't like it. If you have, have had, or are at risk for certain cancers influenced by estrogen - like breast and prostate cancers - you should be aware that there is conflicting evidence as to whether soy prevents or causes cancer...or both.

2. Treat meat as a side - not a main course. No need to cut out meat completely unless that is what you want to do. Or just use less meat. Instead of a steak per person, slice up half a steak and serve over a salad, finely chop half a typical serving of chicken into a soup, or sprinkle bacon over a bean soup.

3. Explore faux meat products, but don't view them as a necessity. Personally, I love textured vegetable protein and garden burgers (which, unlike veggie burgers, don't strive to iminate meat). The rest of the stuff is hit-or-miss. Some of the meat-imitating products - sausage, bacon, etc. - are packed with salt.

4. Pick up a few veggies cookbooks from your library or browse for individual recipes online. If a "tasty veggie entree" sounds like an oxymoron to you, a cookbook is a must.

5. Find a nice friendly spice shop or explore the spice aisle. Especially if you're not used to eating plain veggies, learning how to spice up bland foods is a must. Try to do it without salt or much butter if you can. I use garlic, lemon, red chili pepper flakes, fresh basil, chives, pepper, thyme, and parsley a lot in my kitchen.

6. Be mindful of protein - but also realize that most Americans believe they need much more protein than the average American needs.

7. Experiment and have fun!


* Unless that eggplant is baba ganouj, in which case the speed at which I can polish off a to-be-shared-sized appetizer will terrify amaze you.
** I guess I could do a whole post on fats, but remember that your brain is largely cholesterol. Cholesterol-lowering drugs, for example, often cause short-term memory issues for that reason! Your brain needs fat to function. Your body needs fat to absorb certain vitamins and minerals. And fat doesn't make you fat - eating too many calories does that.

Where I am and prayer request

1. I cannot, for the life of me, wrap my mind around Jesus. I'm really, really trying, but it just doesn't make sense that someone hundreds of years ago would die for ME. I can't fathom that someone would suffer and die for someone He doesn't even know. And am I even worth saving?

2. The last words I utter before bed every night are "God, please save me." I have absolutely no clue what it means to be saved.

3. God answers prayers. I don't know why, but He does.

4. I'd like to go back to when God set bushes on fire to get your attention. That would make everything much clearer, I think.

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Please pray for Ray! Ray was diagnosed with lung cancer last year. He was treated and did very well. Now there is a malignant tumor in his brain. This man has so much life to live and has an amazing spirit and buoyant personality. Please pray that God would heal his cancers.