I've been sort of trudging along this whole capital-S Spiritual journey partially out of a sense of obligation, partially out of a sense of "it's good for me!"(like broccoli, you know), and partially out of a desire to not go to Hell.
I knew - know - precisely what is missing: that pure yearning after God. I yearned to have that yearning. That has been my prayer for so long: please, make me yearn for You. Turn my heart to you. Make me want You, make me want to know You, make me hunger for You. I am so very envious of those who have that hunger...yes, envy is a sin, but I kinda suspect it ain't that bad of a sin :)
For years, I didn't understand why some prayers were answered immediately. Indeed, some so fast I had to giggle. "Please let there be a parking space." Done. "Please tell that driver to let me cut in front of him." Done. "Please help me find my car keys." Done...and done, and done, and done. And yet others - others that, in sum, begged God to teach me to glorify Him, to recognize sin, to turn away from it, and to, above all, push me to that singular wanting? Not so immediate.
I'm beginning to suspect that maybe, just maybe, by proving that He could be faithful about the little things, He could be faithful about the Big Things.
A friend lent me a book - Jesus Calling - and, my goodness, is that title ever accurate. I will write more later, but I am now totally floored by the way that so many of us write off or condense down the entire Bible as "love your neighbor as yourself." It's in there - don't get me wrong - but how many souls have been deceived by this falsehood that loving one's neighbor is all there is?
My oh my.
Just some random, mid-week, haven't-slept-for-more-than-4-hours thoughts.
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4 comments:
Sounds fascinating. I will be interested to hear more of your thoughts on this one. I think lots of Christians struggle with this one ~ if they're honest, & lots aren't. They know they should ~ but they don't. Like so much else in the Christian walk it is more about an act of the will than a feeling...random thoughts from an *I don't wanna be awake this early* insomniac. ☺
My dear friend,
May you find what you seek. And I appreciate the depth of your search. You are my fb friend so you know what is up with me... I have children who may never even understand the "salvation ABCs" as presented by someone in Children's Church, let alone seek for themselves. Yet they are in the image of God, too... and it is all very simplistic to say "turn or burn" when the "turn" can't even be understood. I cannot imagine it to be in God's character that He would create people UNABLE to seek His face (not just UNWILLING).
And even still.. the difference between unable and unwilling seems small at times. Well... my thoughts are unclear as well at times. God is good... but what does that mean?
Regarding that yearning, I've learned over the years that part of what drives that is spending time in the bible. It's weird, but once I start reading it, it's often hard to stop, and I want to get more and more. But walk away from it for a while, and the desire wanes.
I've been doing a personal study on prayer for several months now. It's really more of a journey than a study, I suppose, but it's been fascinating and a definite growth experience for me.
How are those sweet puppies of yours?
I'm on this journey myself...and I can relate to every single thing you said. I think in my own experience, it's taking the steps to immerse myself in everything that's typically associated with being a Christian. I find the more that I listen to the comtemporary Christian music station here, the less I'm listening to other types of music that doesn't help me feel closer to God and praise...I listen to the lyrics of songs I used to absolutely love and now I'm thinking to myself, 'what in the heck drew me to this empty crap?'
When i'm around other Christians (and I still hesitate to say Christians, because the people I'm experiencing life with now, don't resemble the "christians" I grew up around, these people truly do have a light of God in them, not just words and a false sense of superiority...you can feel they love God and others without hypocrisy.
I feel peace, contentment, a sense of worth and purpose that I didn't have before, living the way I was... I'll never go back to the way I was living...
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