Spicy black bean soup

This soup is extremely filling; it should be because it is basically pureed black beans plus onions, tomatoes, peppers, garlic, and hot sauce. I'll sometimes stir in some yogurt (or sour cream) at the end for a creamier soup. If you want to feel like you're eating meat, top with bacon just before serving.

Oh, and a word on quantities: I rarely measure. I don't think exact measurements are necessary for the vast majority of dishes. And I will not give exact measurements here for two reasons. First, I almost always make very large batches and I recognize that not all of you cook with the goal of having one meal tonight and then a dozen for the freezer. Second, I am well aware that I have strong and peculiar tastes. Thus, I will simply rattle off the ingredients and assume that you will add in whatever quantity you please.

For this thick, hearty stew, you will need:
black beans, pureed
onions
garlic
hot sauce
crushed or diced tomatoes
your own preferred seasonings...I use Bragg's and black pepper.
optional: carrots, peppers, jalapenos, salt, oregano, shredded cheese, bacon, yogurt/sour cream.

If you are using dry beans, put them in the food processor when they are nice and soft. If you are using canned, please rinse well before transferring to a food processor.

Be sure to ladle in the bean water if you used dry beans. After processing, return to pot.

I made the most recent batch with a lot of chopped carrots, and prefer it to the carrotless-version. I think I used 3lbs dry beans and 3-4lbs carrots. Please pretend I took a photo of those carrots. Thank you.

Then, go shut all the curtains in your kitchen save one, and take weird close-ups of your big white onions.

Now, I prefer chunks of onions in my soup, but you could also give the onions a whirl in the food processor before adding to the pot.

There is really no need to use fresh tomatoes in this soup. A can or two of crushed or diced tomatoes is fine. Add the tomoatoes before adding in any salty seasonings; most canned tomatoes already contain salt.
If you can handle it, finely dice up some jalapenos, too. Most of the heat is in the seeds, so omit or retain according to your sadistic pleasure preference. Finely dice or process.

While you're adding things to the pot, round up some garlic, peel, roughly chop, and add as much of it to the soup as your little heart desires. Always reserve plenty of garlic for the end, though, because adding raw garlic will make your soup bowls sing.

You know what else will make your soup bowls sing?

Hot sauce! I used 3/4 cup for 3lbs dry beans. Pansies, sissies, girly men those who prefer less hot stuff can use less. But please, please, please do not omit it entirely. That goes especially for all of you who think, "I don't like hot sauce." Trust me. I used to be one of those people. This soup needs hot sauce! It begs for it. On its knees. So don't skip the hot sauce!

Now, stir everything together and let it simmer down. Taste regularly and add whatever you think needs adding. I use Bragg's and black pepper. If you went overboard with the hot sauce and jalapenos, just stir in plain yogurt or sour cream towards the end: dairy will cut the heat.

Once the soup is nicely simmered, it is ready...but here are some add-ins and add-ons. It is perfectly lovely just plain (it's how I eat it), but, well, sometimes people feel deprived of something if just handed a simple bowl of bean soup. You know how you walk around all day feeling deprived of something if you had to start your morning with a cold shower because you haven't gotten around to buying a water heater yet? That kind of deprived.

Can you tell I'm living in the middle of construction?

Put a spoonful or two of plain yogurt in the soup bowl. If you want to be really decadant, make it a generous helping of sour cream.

Stir it all together, slowly, as it melts.
Another option: sprinkling in shredded cheese just prior to serving. I'm using Parmesan here, but I imagine a cheddar would be good, too.

Now, this is totally optional but recommended if you are making this for someone who expects meat on his plate. Bowl. Whatever. Not tempeh, not seasoned tofu, not Quorn, not even Boca "meat", but real, honest, from-an-actual-animal meat.

You know, the kind that turns a dog's eyes dark and somber and wistful. The kind that turns the floor beneath such a dog...slick.

Fry it up, then crumble into smaller chunks. I used about 3 slices per bowl for my carnivorous weekend guests and they were quite happy.

Oh, and this is an especially good soup for tomato-based leftovers like a half-empty jar of salsa. Really, you could also sneak that lone pepper or ear of corn. I haven't tried, but I imagine you could also use up hamburger meat, too. Trust me: you can hide diverse items in a thick, dark, opaque soup.

mwahaha